I stood staring at it. Someone on Craigslist had made an offer. It was still fairly new and oh so comfortable. I felt the tears make their way to my throat. I wanted to cry but sent it all back down. It bothered me that I was able to move out of an apartment in two hours, chuck a third of my things during the move, and yet here I stood getting choked up about selling a mattress.
Although I knew it was the right decision the emotional part of me that was oddly attached kept taking jabs. “Don’t get rid of it just yet…wait until next week, or next month, or just keep it…it’s YOUR mattress.” I had to ignore this part and focus on the logic. In order to help the friend who was helping me, the mattress needed to go so we could coexist for longer, and more comfortably.
Oy. Why am I so sad over this. The emotional part kept holding on in my thoughts like a young child clinging to their favorite toy “don’t take away my treasured thing!” The logical part had a firmer tone, presenting itself in a matter-of-fact type manner “in order for you to have a roof over your head you have to get rid of your treasured thing.” One I was ignoring, and the other was anchoring me from completely losing my shit as I navigated my way out of an intense series of unfortunate events.
Then I realized there was another voice that I had allowed to get lost in the fog. The voice of intuition. The voice that knew in my soul, not my mind the “why” of the “whys.” She was always soft spoken and often sent me signals that it was time to check in through a feeling in my gut or chest, and even my throat at times. What did she have to say about all this?
After taking a mindful moment it hit me that aside from my car, the mattress was the last of my own space. It was the last thing I owned that was mine to rest in, mine to think in, mine to toss and turn in on those sleepless nights, and sleep in during those dream-filled mornings. The emotional part needed to be sad about that. It needed validation. So I cried over the stupid mattress, and just as quickly as I cried the slight feeling of grief dissipated too.
I could feel it clearly in my mind now, and in my gut.
If you want to have what you need dear soul, you are going to need to let go of many things you want.
This included my mattress.