I wanted to share a little something about myself.
I like to read cards. No, not like, Miss Cleo call me right now type of reads, or the other image you might get of a gypsy reading cards in a dimly lit tent. No. Nope!
I have one set of cards that have supportive messages, and another deck I use to develop my intuition with situations in my life that I am already in tune with. Regardless of your beliefs, it is my own that this is a loving means of support received from the higher powers that swirl around us, and in our hearts every single day.
I pulled a card yesterday that really spoke to me. The first thought that came to mind when I saw it was “Power. Feminine Power.” Then I looked it up.
Power. Feminine Power.
I love when that happens, and wanted to share part of the message I found attached to the card.
I felt it beautiful, and inspiring.
Lilith ~ Power:
I dance my life for myself
I am whole
I am complete
I say what I mean
and I mean what I say
I dance the dark and the light
the conscious and the unconscious
the sane and the insane
and I speak from myself
with total conviction
without regard for how I might look
All the parts of myself
flow into the whole
all my divergent selves unite as one
to what needs to be heard
I never make excuses
I feel my feelings
Deeply and Profoundly
I never hide
~by Amy Sophia Marashinsky and Hrana Janto
You are so much more than you know. You hold so much more love than you know. Love that should be directed inwardly, as much as out.
You hold so much more power than you know. Power that can be used in ways to change the world around you as well as your own; all for the better.
All parts are the you, you have always been. The key is to spend enough quality time with yourself to fully get in touch with these parts. To fully recognize when, and how, to hone them in.
I am not here to give any specific advice on how to do this, because it is only through your own efforts to find out that will move you forward, but I will *recommend this*-explore with an open mind. If you would have told me a year ago I would be softly navigating myself, and others who are open to it, with intuitive card readings, I would have laughed. It would have seemed something too “magical” for me to be capable of doing.
But here I am, making magic happen every day.
Yoga. Not the studio going lululemon-wearing perfect breathing with pretzel poses yoga…It was messy, I cried, and cursed at Yoga with Adriene.
But I felt so good afterward.
Backyard time. Sun. Cards. Wind. Heat. Something majorly poking my butt when I shifted my sitting position to meditate. Hair in my face and bugs.
Dinner with a friend. Bloody mary. Heavy food. Chats of romance and making friends. Beautiful baby painting with ranch dressing on the table. Disappearing waiter. We say thank you at the same time.
Bookstore. Intriguing card deck discovered. Dusty smells. Long sunset drive home.
Night. Bed. The L Word binge. Comfort. Lots of texts.
“You don’t know how important you are to me.”
Holy Shit it’s been a Long Time.
I wanted to share a dream I had.
About this guy…
Yes friends, I had a dream relationship with Khal Drogo. He bought me a sweet red leather jacket, and ice cream. He picked me up from my dorm every day to see how I was doing. At night we would sit barefoot on the grass under the stars, and talk for “hours.” He adored me. I woke up pretty amused! And of course, kind of bummed, but grateful for our day in the sun. Or should I say moon.
Another feeling I experienced when I woke up though, was a twinge of discomfort. I had forgotten what it felt like to hold someone’s affection this way, and to have someone be completely enamored with me. I can only describe it as discomfort because it has been quite a few years in my reality that I have experienced this type of attention from someone. It felt nice in the dream, albeit it only that. You all know how real they can feel.
It is in my nature to be affectionate, loving, and expressive to those who already do, or begin to take up space in my heart. I am aware this is not common of most to outwardly express it with such ease, even if they feel it. Rather than search for reciprocity I consider it my gift, and part of the way I help light up this crazy world. I am guessing the discomfort stemmed from the loss of recognizing how good it fucking feels to be shown love in this way. Excuse the french, but come on…doesn’t it feel fucking fantastic??
Anyway, I shared this dream on Facebook with some of my friends, and as usual, I have my one greatest cheerleader, who is always there to remind me, that I deserve what I dream. Another slight moment of familiar discomfort returns with her comment, but then I override it with what my true nature knows. YES. You are right my friend. You are right.
Although I might have to tweek the dream a tad, seeing that I am not in college anymore, and Jason Momoa might not have the time to see me every day. What with his travels and all…
The truth of the matter Is
I am not longing for a relationship. I am hungry for a connection. I am not waiting for “Mr. Right.” I am continuously working on myself to always feel right. But not for anyone else. Just me. I figure, if I am going to treat someone awesome, I need to feel awesome.
And as I’ve shifted my perceptions on what singleness means to me, I experience a different opportunity. Because I do not have the day to day romantic connection with anyone at this time, I open myself to what it feels like to heartily fall in love in other ways. When I first moved to Texas I met a girl in a meetup group who I instantly connected with. I fell in love with her spirit and beauty within weeks of getting to know her! She lights up my life. I am in love with the first savory bite of a really spicy jalapeño popper. I am in love with my California friends more than ever because I am often reminded they are irreplaceable. I am in love with my bedroom window, and the way the sun hits it later in the afternoon.
I fall completely in love with my Nephew and Niece every single time they call me “Curly Titi.”
Would it be nice to meet a cute guy who could talk books and pull me in for heated kisses while we’re taking a walk? Hell to the Yes. I rest in the knowing this is my future somewhere. So there is no need to wait for something that has already arrived. It’s just not my time, or I guess, it’s just not ours.
So to my 30+ single friends…You’ve asked, and I am answering…
Don’t Wait. Just Be.
P.s. Disclaimer…I do believe those in romantic partnerships still fall in love in other ways, but my perspective can only represent my current situation =)
I pulled up the text messages with clearly mundane, disinterested replies. I gave a huge throaty sigh, And as if a mother or great friend were scolding I heard myself say:
“Maggie of course you like him, he’s an asshole.”
So I am doing the Internet/Smartphone uhh…”dating” thing.
Actually don’t really like it, and don’t believe I’m going to meet “the one” this way, but figure I could use the practice, and some of the experiences I’ve had have been these wonderfully weird stories to share. Which IS one of the fun things about dating in my 30s compared to my 20s.
In a good way, I care less.
20s: Does HE like ME?
30s: Do I like HIM?
20s: He hasn’t called even though I texted him hello, what did I do? Maybe I should text one more time. I’ll add a cute unnaturally-posed selfie so he’ll be reminded of how pretty I am.
30s: Wait, that guy I saw last week hasn’t called. Oh well.
Where’s the beer I ordered?
Ya’ll wanna go home soon? I can’t wait to take off my bra.
(There’s always a but)…
I have noticed one habit I still haven’t completely shaken off that really needs to get squashed once and for all. And I am glad this has come to my attention NOW…while I…practice…”dating”…
I still go for assholes.
Oh yea, I used to date assholes. Chase assholes. Fall in love with them.
Spent the last year or so addressing this pattern, but hadn’t really dated to put into practice what I’d learned. Then recently I started to notice who I was paying more attention to.
The guys that didn’t have any descriptions on their profiles. The guys that looked like my asshole exes. The guys that didn’t want to actually meet me they just wanted to text a lot. Red flags. Everywhere.
And then I thought about the few exes I couldn’t say were jerks. I met them through friends. They were weird like me. They were dorky in some way like me. They were kind.
Touche my friend.
Time to completely swipe left.
I have been working on this particular blog post for about 3 weeks, and I move in 3 days. I have never relocated this far from my friends and family. I have never relocated indefinitely, and I have never relocated not know what would be in store for me with many *adultish* aspects of my life.
No job, no car, and no home of my own.
I guess that’s what makes this incredibly exciting, and scary at the same time…
3o Somethings of Saying Goodbye
1. You have mini “what if” panic attacks.
2. Time flies.
3. You start to think about the loved ones you are leaving behind, and how they can’t be replaced.
4. So you must share with your loved ones how you feel.
5. As it gets closer, each day leading up to your goodbye seems to matter just a little bit more.
6. There are some fantasies going on as the possibilities start to come up with the “hello” part after your goodbye…
7. You experience sporadic overloads of emotion.
8. You think about old friends that you have not talked to in a while,
9. and recall either why you haven’t, or look back fondly.
10. Time flies.
11. Everyone gives their opinion about the changes you are making.
12. You start to tune out opinions about the changes you are making.
13. Packing is very organized in your mind,
14. but executed in a very unorganized fashion.
15. Time. Flies…
16. To experience doubt-it’s normal for our brains to question things that take us outside our comfort zone.
17. To go through weird emotions. Just roll with them-they’ll pass if you let them through.
18. If you throw some things away that make you cringe because they have sentimental value. The sentiment will stay even if the material item does not.
19. To freak out a little.
20. If the next chapter of your life is not fully planned out.
21. That you don’t take much with you.
22. To close the door on relationships you’ve kept simply for keeping’s sake. This is your time to clear any emotional clutter as well.
23. If you need some space to adjust. Grounding yourself into a new environment is your job anyway.
24. To dream bigger than you ever have. Starting a new chapter brings the opportunity to check in with your goals.
From followers via Facebook
(Ladies you might just be my regulars on 30 Somethings!)
25. “How family & friends react.” ~Coy
26. “It’s the uncertainty of one’s decision. Did we make the right choice?“~Jodie
27. “I love the excitement of change…being pushed out of my comfort zone gives me a nervous excitement. I love new challenges and making new friends when I move to a new place! I hope to do it again soon!” ~Brigette
28. “The hardest part for me is finding “my people…”My favorite checker at the grocery store or the quirky lady that helps me at CVS, the guy at the bakery that knows my order when I walk int he door. Those are the ones I won’t keep in touch with through Facebook. They are who I truly miss…” ~Marni
29. “Bring the gifts they gave you [friends]…to share with those you meet ahead….there is so much wealth..we are giving to pass on, and so many people crave it…” ~Jayne
30. “In all those years here, you have meet so many people, some that had greatly enriched your life, while others just came and went. For those people who enriched your life, tell them how, what they taught you, maybe like laughing at yourself, or reaching farther than you wanted, what did they teach you, that you will bring to your new home and the people you met?
What was their gift, they passed on to you…..“