I mostly feed my soul with this blog, but for today, this post is not for me.
This is for the friend. The friend who wrote me that she is hurting because she feels like she does not know who she is anymore. She says the world took that away from her. She does not like herself when she looks in the mirror. She does not love herself.
“What do you think Maggie?” she asked me.
“What do you say about yourself?”
Instantaneously I am compelled to answer that
I am grateful.
Then I add….
I really like myself. Actually, I love myself. I am keenly aware of the things that make up who I am that I would not change, because then I would be changing the make up of who I am.
Sometimes though…this can be rather annoying…and I think it becomes this way when you REALLY start to like yourself. Love yourself. When you don’t really like or love you-these things can simply hurt. Sometimes…
It seems the world wants you to be anything but the realrawfreewildnonconforming Iamsohappyinmyownpersonalitybubblepleasedonotfreakinpopit-YOU.
So I try to be anything but.
What people that do not have their own best interests at heart, expect me to be.
Do you ever ask yourself this question? Maybe you’ve had to make a decision that would be great for you but might upset or shift a situation that you are either way too comfortable with, or someone else is?
I used to do this too much. It was like I was always second priority when it came to making choices. Even when the only person that would be affected was me-yes, I would put my “eh” self before my best one. And we know what this generally ties into right?
So, I try to ask myself these days:
“Who do I love more?”
Then I compare. For example, something I check in with frequently is the people I choose to keep close and support in my life. Boundaries can be a frequent issue for the givers. So, if I am “helping” someone by constantly giving them advice an ear and my time…but it is sucking up my mental energy, I would (and have) asked: “Who do love I more-that person, and their perhaps unrealized need to feed off my energy or me, and my need to preserve it?”
Does that make sense? Think about how effective this question can be if we really sit with it. It can even be for little things. Like, “Who do I love more-Jack and the Box jalapeño poppers or my body which has to deal with uncomfortably digesting it?”
So next time you are faced with a decision that you KNOW in your gut could have an excellent healthy solid answer if it not for some external factor or possible outcome that is maybe not so hot, again including your own not so hot feelings to stay comfortable or agreeable…ask yourself this question.
Who do I love more?
Because even when we have the best intentions and considerations for the things outside ourselves, that answer should pretty much always somehow,
Here’s to my people who enjoy doing nothing when you’re supposed to be doing something, or in this instance, end up doing some things that detour you from the everything else you were supposed to do…
I made plans to write my blog post this afternoon. The morning was super productive, sweet sleep in, awesome meditation session, and start of laundry. Before I started to write I decided to watch one quick show while I had some lunch. I sit on my bed, put my food aside and start the show search. This was one of those times where my food and TV time simply had to be paired. You know when your plate is ready, but you wait until that first intro note from a show to start eating…do you know? Is it just me?
I don’t have cable so it’s all about streaming.The show would not load from one site. The same show did not have any link sources on the next one. So I tried another, and another. And, another. There were other options, but that Taurus stubborn part of me decided THIS was the show that had to be watched with my lunch. I finally gave up and decided to watch Netflix. After all, I’d already wasted a few minutes and needed to get cracking on this blog post.
Then I looked at the clock.
I had spent almost 10 minutes looking at different stream sources, and waiting for them to load. I was so eerily focused I didn’t even realize how much time had passed.
Can you guess how much attention my writing received after that show? Maybe 10 minutes. Maybe. I had suddenly decided there were all these other things I needed to do before I went into writing mode. I changed the cover photo for my birthday brunch, watched a documentary, plucked my eyebrows…you know, all the important stuff.
Now here I am…almost 10 hours later writing about this to you. So yes, it IS getting done. Writing on my blog is honestly not the most important thing in the world to me, but it is important to me.
I find it funny, and interesting how often we invest in focusing on the doing these little unimportant things when we are in the midst of wanting to do what’s important. How often we direct our energy in thought and action on things that really don’t take us to the next level, or move us forward. They just sort of keep us occupied until we’re ready to do what matters.
And yet, all those little things we do to avoid what is needed to be done can be so fun right? I loved the documentary. It was fun to lay in bed creating a cool chicken and waffles-themed cover photo for the party. My eyebrows desperately needed some TLC and I saved a little money. If I hadn’t gone squirrel on myself today I would not have written such a truly inspired post…right?
Synchronicity hit me this weekend in a few ways, through one insightful angel card reading, and one insightful friend.
“It’s okay Maggie, to fall apart. You don’t have to act put together all the time.”
Wise words from her last night, as she watched me sob over a very young friend I lost a few years ago. When you lose someone, at least in my experience, it does not hurt any less when you remember. Over time for me though, that point of pain would not so readily surface. When I reconnected with it last night it was like an emotional damn had been opened. I have not cried like that in front of someone in a long time. Since my move to another state I have felt at times that twinge of loneliness when you are adjusting to living away from cherished friends, and trying to make new ones. It felt good to be in the company of a person who could really see who I am, and understand the subtle conflict that was going on during a moment of complete vulnerability.
This morning after conducting an interview in a small stuffy office, I decided to take a little walk and get some pictures of this pretty residential community. Still a little hazy from the night before, and sad, it felt nice to be out getting some fresh air. As I walked around, a little friend in the form of a butterfly flew by and alongside me for a few moments.
Then it landed here:
I watched him for what felt like forever, people passing me by, looking at me quietly staring, taking waaaay too many pics, but I didn’t care how nuts I appeared. I let myself get lost in the moment, and its beauty. I felt comforted.
Back to that synchronicity thing.
I then recalled a woman I met who was able to communicate with my friend who passed telling me that any time I saw a butterfly, it was his way of saying hello. Then, I remembered my dear friend who gave me the angel card reading sharing my connection to butterfly energy. She had urged me to pay attention to it. Ahhh. Okay. Message received.
Yes friends, I had a dream relationship with Khal Drogo. He bought me a sweet red leather jacket, and ice cream. He picked me up from my dorm every day to see how I was doing. At night we would sit barefoot on the grass under the stars, and talk for “hours.” He adored me. I woke up pretty amused! And of course, kind of bummed, but grateful for our day in the sun. Or should I say moon.
Another feeling I experienced when I woke up though, was a twinge of discomfort. I had forgotten what it felt like to hold someone’s affection this way, and to have someone be completely enamored with me. I can only describe it as discomfort because it has been quite a few years in my reality that I have experienced this type of attention from someone. It felt nice in the dream, albeit it only that. You all know how real they can feel.
It is in my nature to be affectionate, loving, and expressive to those who already do, or begin to take up space in my heart. I am aware this is not common of most to outwardly express it with such ease, even if they feel it. Rather than search for reciprocity I consider it my gift, and part of the way I help light up this crazy world. I am guessing the discomfort stemmed from the loss of recognizing how good it fucking feels to be shown love in this way. Excuse the french, but come on…doesn’t it feel fucking fantastic??
Anyway, I shared this dream on Facebook with some of my friends, and as usual, I have my one greatest cheerleader, who is always there to remind me, that I deserve what I dream. Another slight moment of familiar discomfort returns with her comment, but then I override it with what my true nature knows. YES. You are right my friend. You are right.
Although I might have to tweek the dream a tad, seeing that I am not in college anymore, and Jason Momoa might not have the time to see me every day. What with his travels and all…
The truth of the matter Is
I am not longing for a relationship. I am hungry for a connection. I am not waiting for “Mr. Right.” I am continuously working on myself to always feelright. But not for anyone else. Just me. I figure, if I am going to treat someone awesome, I need to feel awesome.
And as I’ve shifted my perceptions on what singleness means to me, I experience a different opportunity. Because I do not have the day to day romantic connection with anyone at this time, I open myself to what it feels like to heartily fall in love in other ways. When I first moved to Texas I met a girl in a meetup group who I instantly connected with. I fell in love with her spirit and beauty within weeks of getting to know her! She lights up my life. I am in love with the first savory bite of a really spicy jalapeño popper. I am in love with my California friends more than ever because I am often reminded they are irreplaceable. I am in love with my bedroom window, and the way the sun hits it later in the afternoon.
I fall completely in love with my Nephew and Niece every single time they call me “Curly Titi.”
Would it be nice to meet a cute guy who could talk books and pull me in for heated kisses while we’re taking a walk? Hell to the Yes. I rest in the knowing this is my future somewhere. So there is no need to wait for something that has already arrived. It’s just not my time, or I guess, it’s just not ours.
So to my 30+ single friends…You’ve asked, and I am answering…
Don’t Wait. Just Be.
P.s. Disclaimer…I do believe those in romantic partnerships still fall in love in other ways, but my perspective can only represent my current situation =)
I was thinking about one of the nicest things someone said to me in 2015.
Her name was Ms. Aishu, and she was working the day I substituted at a local preschool. My shift was over during nap time, and I was slowly getting up from my seated station when I saw her walk by. I mouthed I was leaving and waved. Still walking by me she whispered goodbye, but then, back to me, I saw her pause. She slowly turned around, knelt in front of me and said,
“And by the way, you are very beautiful Ms. Maggie.”
I think I looked like this when She told Me…
I appreciate Ms. Aishu for the moment. She went out of her way to say something nice to me instead of just thinking it. I had only known her a few hours, and resonated with the fact that it was probably a bit weird for her; paying such a pointed compliment to someone she didn’t know. Isn’t it funny how hard that can be for of us? To simply say something kind? The reason this is one of the nicest things said to me in 2015, doesn’t have to do with her using the word beautiful, but rather everything else wrapped up in the approach and intention of her sharing this with me.
With all the little negative things that happen to us every day, and the bigger tragedies happening around the globe right now it can be so easy to close in on our own personal, protective little bubble. Problem is it usually protects all the wrong things…our ego, fears, insecurities, and genuine spirit. We use it to ignore, or over dramatize so we do not have to take responsibility for something we feel is too big or far away to even address.
Back to Ms. Aishu.
I think we should all do what she did, and say nice things to each other we wouldn’t normally go out of our way to say, to people we know might not normally hear the nice things we might be thinking.
Try it. Say some nice things, to some people this week.
Ahhh good old-fashioned, passive-aggressive acting, in your face confronting, insecurity creating, paranoid thought manifesting, Debbie downing speaking
Jealousy is pretty taboo among women because we are really not interested in sharing a side of ourselves that exposes such a personal vulnerability. And it is my honest genuine opinion that this is exactly what jealousy equals=vulnerable.
So I brought it up to a group of over 100 women from all walks of life,
and asked this question…
Ladies, when you feel that twinge of jealousy with other women how do you react to it? What thoughts crossed your mind?
“I really don’t know. I have recently become the one to be looked at that way. (Just being honest, not vain or rude) I had people tell me they are and its not in a mean way, At least I don’t think it is lol, but its nice to just say it and then let it go.“ ~Charlene
As much as jealousy can sometimes come out in ways we feel kind of “icky” about, it can teach us something if we dig past that first layer of heat. It’s totally okay to shrug it off if we understand our general triggers, but if it becomes something reoccurring, or that really puts a fire under our tush then it IS important to uncover the “WHY.”
“It’s lessened over time since becoming involved with metaphysics and self awareness practice…when it snuck up on me the other day and I caught it, my thought was “she might not even like that feature of hers, in fact it may be smoke and mirrors, IN FACT she may want what I or someone else has instead of what she does!!” And then it went away and she was an equal again.” ~Ali
Although it can be uncomfortable revealing my “WHY” there is some relief in it. After
figuring out why (or simply acknowledging why) I am clinging on to a jealous feeling, or moment there follows growth. Because I
have just tapped into something I can work with. Something more logical, and less reactive. In this way actually, now that I think about it…you can do this with any negative emotions really.
It’s okay to experience jealous feelings. It’s okay to look at the girl with the seemingly perfect body or perfect partner or the perfect career and feel a little green. We ALL have those moments. What is NOT okay is acting upon them, using them as an excuse to put ourselves down, or not dealing with the WHY when it is more intense.
Bear with me on this post…I am feeling a bit salty as I start this.
Thursday marked the closing of a thread of toxic relationships in my life.
At first I was upset-this last friend was someone I had known for a long time, and I expected more from her because of that. I expected to be treated with the consideration that for the first time in our friendship I spoke up for myself. I was kind yet honest, and I was…you know…considerate. But no. Apparently I struck a major cord by communicating that I needed some space so she decided to put permanent space between us.
The Facebook unfriending!
When I realized this was the manner of which I was getting the boot I had to chuckle. I guess in this sense, my expectations were met.
But as many of us learn the hard way…it is in general, really not healthy to hold expectations with others. Especially the ones you have seen repeat the same negative patterns in other relationships.
Why would I be any different?
And that is totally okay.
I don’t believe every single thing happens for a reason, but I do believe that the last few people who have exited my life in ways that do not honor all the years we’ve shared with each other is a sign I am experiencing the clearing of emotional clutter. Because clearing means creating space for greater things to come.
I would like to thank these last few people who I have parted ways with.
For your time in the past, however we left things it healthily clears my present, but I do honestly wish you well with your future, and release you with love.
I am going to keep it moving looking forward, and up.