Anything, But

I mostly feed my soul with this blog, but for today, this post is not for me.

This is for the friend. The friend who wrote me that she is hurting because she feels like she does not know who she is anymore. She says the world took that away from her. She does not like herself when she looks in the mirror. She does not love herself.

“What do you think Maggie?” she asked me.

“What do you say about yourself?”

About myself?

Instantaneously I am compelled to answer that

I am grateful.

Bottom line.

Then I add….

I really like myself. Actually, I love myself. I am keenly aware of the things that make up who I am that I would not change, because then I would be changing the make up of who I am.

Sometimes though…this can be rather annoying…and I think it becomes this way when you REALLY start to like yourself. Love yourself. When you don’t really like or love you-these things can simply hurt. Sometimes…

It seems the world wants you to be anything but the realrawfreewildnonconforming Iamsohappyinmyownpersonalitybubblepleasedonotfreakinpopit-YOU.

So I try to be anything but.

What people that do not have their own best interests at heart, expect me to be.

tried
Maggie xo

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Who do I Love More?

Do you ever ask yourself this question? Maybe you’ve had to make a decision that would be great for you but might upset or shift a situation that you are either way too comfortable with, or someone else is?

I used to do this too much. It was like I was always second priority when it came to making choices. Even when the only person that would be affected was me-yes, I would put my “eh” self before my best one. And we know what this generally ties into right?

Our self-worth.

So, I try to ask myself these days:

“Who do I love more?”

Then I compare. For example, something I check in with frequently is the people I choose to keep close and support in my life. Boundaries can be a frequent issue for the givers. So, if I am “helping” someone by constantly giving them advice an ear and my time…but it is sucking up my mental energy, I would (and have) asked: “Who do love I more-that person, and their perhaps unrealized need to feed off my energy or me, and my need to preserve it?”

Does that make sense? Think about how effective this question can be if we really sit with it. It can even be for little things. Like, “Who do I love more-Jack and the Box jalapeño poppers or my body which has to deal with uncomfortably digesting it?”

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Why is that question so hard

So next time you are faced with a decision that you KNOW in your gut could have an excellent healthy solid answer if it not for some external factor or possible outcome that is maybe not so hot, again including your own not so hot feelings to stay comfortable or agreeable…ask yourself this question.

Who do I love more?

Because even when we have the best intentions and considerations for the things outside ourselves, that answer should pretty much always somehow,

Be You.

Maggie xo

When plans Change, so should You

Hi! I am delighted to share this impromptu video I made tonight after both an amazing workout, and overall, AMAZING Monday!

Lucky me, huh?

 “Sometimes it ends up different, and it is better that way.”

Maggie xo

My Butterfly Effect

Synchronicity hit me this weekend in a few ways, through one insightful angel card reading, and one insightful friend.

“It’s okay Maggie, to fall apart. You don’t have to act put together all the time.”

Wise words from her last night, as she watched me sob over a very young friend I lost a few years ago. When you lose someone, at least in my experience, it does not hurt any less when you remember. Over time for me though, that point of pain would not so readily surface. When I reconnected with it last night it was like an emotional damn had been opened. I have not cried like that in front of someone in a long time. Since my move to another state I have felt at times that twinge of loneliness when you are adjusting to living away from cherished friends, and trying to make new ones. It felt good to be in the company of a person who could really see who I am, and understand the subtle conflict that was going on during a moment of complete vulnerability.

This morning after conducting an interview in a small stuffy office, I decided to take a little walk and get some pictures of this pretty residential community. Still a little hazy from the night before, and sad, it felt nice to be out getting some fresh air. As I walked around, a little friend in the form of a butterfly flew by and alongside me for a few moments.

Then it landed here:

butterfly

I watched him for what felt like forever, people passing me by, looking at me quietly staring, taking waaaay too many pics, but I didn’t care how nuts I appeared. I let myself get lost in the moment, and its beauty. I felt comforted.

Back to that synchronicity thing.

I then recalled a woman I met who was able to communicate with my friend who passed telling me that any time I saw a butterfly, it was his way of saying hello. Then, I remembered my dear friend who gave me the angel card reading sharing my connection to butterfly energy. She had urged me to pay attention to it. Ahhh. Okay. Message received.

And I smiled.

Maggie xo

Heated Kisses and Jalapeños

Holy Shit it’s been a Long Time.

My apologies.

I wanted to share a dream I had.

About this guy

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Just give ya a sec to soak it in

Yes friends, I had a dream relationship with Khal Drogo. He bought me a sweet red leather jacket, and ice cream. He picked me up from my dorm every day to see how I was doing.  At night we would sit barefoot on the grass under the stars, and talk for “hours.” He adored me. I woke up pretty amused! And of course, kind of bummed, but grateful for our day in the sun. Or should I say moon.

Another feeling I experienced when I woke up though, was a twinge of discomfort. I had forgotten what it felt like to hold someone’s affection this way, and to have someone be completely enamored with me. I can only describe it as discomfort because it has been quite a few years in my reality that I have experienced this type of attention from someone. It felt nice in the dream, albeit it only that. You all know how real they can feel.

It is in my nature to be affectionate, loving, and expressive to those who already do, or begin to take up space in my heart. I am aware this is not common of most to outwardly express it with such ease, even if they feel it. Rather than search for reciprocity I consider it my gift, and part of the way I help light up this crazy world. I am guessing the discomfort stemmed from the loss of recognizing how good it fucking feels to be shown love in this way. Excuse the french, but come on…doesn’t it feel fucking fantastic??

Anyway, I shared this dream on Facebook with some of my friends, and as usual, I have my one greatest cheerleader, who is always there to remind me, that I deserve what I dream. Another slight moment of familiar discomfort returns with her comment, but then I override it with what my true nature knows. YES. You are right my friend. You are right.

Although I might have to tweek the dream a tad, seeing that I am not in college anymore, and Jason Momoa might not have the time to see me every day. What with his travels and all…

~

The truth of the matter Is

I am not longing for a relationship. I am hungry for a connection. I am not waiting for “Mr. Right.” I am continuously working on myself to always feel right. But not for anyone else. Just me. I figure, if I am going to treat someone awesome, I need to feel awesome.

And as I’ve shifted my perceptions on what singleness means to me, I experience a different opportunity. Because I do not have the day to day romantic connection with anyone at this time, I open myself to what it feels like to heartily fall in love in other ways. When I first moved to Texas I met a girl in a meetup group who I instantly connected with. I 20160131_152928fell in love with her spirit and beauty within weeks of getting to know her! She lights up my life. I am in love with the first savory bite of a really spicy jalapeño popper. I am in love with my California friends more than ever because I am often reminded they are irreplaceable. I am in love with my bedroom window, and the way the sun hits it later in the afternoon.

I fall completely in love with my Nephew and Niece every single time they call me “Curly Titi.”

Would it be nice to meet a cute guy who could talk books and pull me in for heated kisses while we’re taking a walk? Hell to the Yes. I rest in the knowing this is my future somewhere. So there is no need to wait for something that has already arrived. It’s just not my time, or I guess, it’s just not ours.

So to my 30+ single friends…You’ve asked, and I am answering…

Don’t Wait. Just Be.

Maggie xo

P.s. Disclaimer…I do believe those in romantic partnerships still fall in love in other ways, but my perspective can only represent my current situation =)

Say It and Spray It

I was thinking about one of the nicest things someone said to me in 2015.

Her name was Ms. Aishu, and she was working the day I substituted at a local preschool. My shift was over during nap time, and I was slowly getting up from my seated station when I saw her walk by. I mouthed I was leaving and waved. Still walking by me she whispered goodbye, but then, back to me, I saw her pause. She slowly turned around, knelt in front of me and said,

“And by the way, you are very beautiful Ms. Maggie.”

valentine_face_1I think I looked like this when She told Me…

I appreciate Ms. Aishu for the moment. She went out of her way to say something nice to me instead of just thinking it. I had only known her a few hours, and resonated with the fact that it was probably a bit weird for her; paying such a pointed compliment to someone she didn’t know. Isn’t it funny how hard that can be for of us? To simply say something kind? The reason this is one of the nicest things said to me in 2015, doesn’t have to do with her using the word beautiful, but rather everything else wrapped up in the approach and intention of her sharing this with me.

With all the little negative things that happen to us every day, and the bigger tragedies happening around the globe right now it can be so easy to close in on our own personal, protective little bubble. Problem is it usually protects all the wrong things…our ego, fears, insecurities, and genuine spirit. We use it to ignore, or over dramatize so we do not have to take responsibility for something we feel is too big or far away to even address.

Back to Ms. Aishu.

I think we should all do what she did, and say nice things to each other we wouldn’t normally go out of our way to say, to people we know might not normally hear the nice things we might be thinking.

Try it. Say some nice things, to some people this week.

Maggie xo

The Green will Make you Grow

callablog

Ahhh good old-fashioned, passive-aggressive acting, in your face confronting, insecurity creating, paranoid thought manifesting, Debbie downing speaking

Jealousy.

Jealousy is pretty taboo among women because we are really not interested in sharing a side of ourselves that exposes such a personal vulnerability. And it is my honest genuine opinion that this is exactly what jealousy equals=vulnerable.

So I brought it up to a group of over 100 women from all walks of life,

 and asked this question…

Ladies, when you feel that twinge of jealousy with other women how do you react to it? What thoughts crossed your mind? 

Leonardo da vinci

I really don’t know. I have recently become the one to be looked at that way. (Just being honest, not vain or rude) I had people tell me they are and its not in a mean way, At least I don’t think it is lol, but its nice to just say it and then let it go. ~Charlene

~

Durga PujaIN TO THE

As much as jealousy can sometimes come out in ways we feel kind of “icky” about, it can teach us something if we dig past that first layer of heat. It’s totally okay to shrug it off if we understand our general triggers, but if it becomes something reoccurring, or that really puts a fire under our tush then it IS important to uncover the “WHY.”

~

It’s lessened over time since becoming involved with metaphysics and self awareness practice…when it snuck up on me the other day and I caught it, my thought was “she might not even like that feature of hers, in fact it may be smoke and mirrors, IN FACT she may want what I or someone else has instead of what she does!!” And then it went away and she was an equal again.” ~Ali

Felicia

Although it can be uncomfortable revealing my “WHY” there is some relief in it. After
figuring out why (or simply acknowledging why) I am clinging on to a jealous feeling, or moment there follows growth. Because I
have just tapped into something I can work with. Something more logical, and less reactive. In this way actually, now that I think about it…you can do this with any negative emotions really.

It’s okay to experience jealous feelings. It’s okay to look at the girl with the seemingly perfect body or perfect partner or the perfect career and feel a little green. We ALL have those moments. What is NOT okay is acting upon them, using them as an excuse to put ourselves down, or not dealing with the WHY when it is more intense.

Face your shit ladies, or let it go.

The green will make you grow.

Maggie xo

Thank You for Your Goodbye

Bear with me on this post…I am feeling a bit salty as I start this.

Thursday marked the closing of a thread of toxic relationships in my life.

At first I was upset-this last friend was someone I had known for a long time, and I expected more from her because of that. I expected to be treated with the consideration that for the first time in our friendship I spoke up for myself. I was kind yet honest, and I was…you know…considerate. But no. Apparently I struck a major cord by communicating that I needed some space so she decided to put permanent space between us.

The Facebook unfriending! When-someone-unfriends-me

When I realized this was the manner of which I was getting the boot I had to chuckle. I guess in this sense, my expectations were met.

But as many of us learn the hard way…it is in general, really not healthy to hold expectations with others. Especially the ones you have seen repeat the same negative patterns in other relationships.

Why would I be any different?

I’m not.

And that is totally okay.

I don’t believe every single thing happens for a reason, but I do believe that the last few people who have exited my life in ways that do not honor all the years we’ve shared with each other is a sign I am experiencing the clearing of emotional clutter. Because clearing means creating space for greater things to come.

I would like to thank these last few people who I have parted ways with.

For your time in the past, however we left things it healthily clears my present, but I do honestly wish you well with your future, and release you with love.

I am going to keep it moving looking forward, and up.

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Maggie xo

Heart Swells and Butterflies

I heart Love.

My ability to simply sit with the feeling without having any particular person or situation in mind is something I’ve only recently really sank into.

Yet I still love that teenage heart leap when someone you find extra interesting catches your attention. I wouldn’t really call  myself a hopeless romantic… but rather a hopeful sapiosexual.

Meaty conversation, certainty in the uncertain, and a genuine interest in the world around us is what gets my heart pumping.

However, now I mean this with any type of relationship.

Romance, friendships, and work life…whomever, and wherever.

What it really ended up coming down to is the understanding that my energy in this life is precious. I don’t write this with any sense of exclusivity, but more so with a deeper sense of how this operates in my daily life. We experience the mundane and “normal” enough in our day to day. I understand every moment of my existence will not be filled with the type of love-feeling I am describing here,

But…

I also understand that between the larger solid rocks, in that metaphorical jar of what goes in on my life, and with who…the tiny grains of sand fillers are what make it exactly that…fulfilling. So as I move forward making adjustments to my own energy, that includes adjusting interactions that align more with who I am.

(Refer back to the sapiosexual comment)

Because I heart to love,

I will never settle for less than the heart swells and butterflies.

and darling,

Neither should you.

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Maggie xo

30 Somethings: Saying Goodbye

I have been working on this particular blog post for about 3 weeks, and I move in 3 days. I have never relocated this far from my friends and family. I have never relocated indefinitely, and I have never relocated not know what would be in store for me with many *adultish* aspects of my life.

No job, no car, and no home of my own.

Yet.

I guess that’s what makes this incredibly exciting, and scary at the same time…

3o Somethings of Saying Goodbye

1. You have mini “what if” panic attacks.

2. Time flies.

3. You start to think about the loved ones you are leaving behind, and how they can’t be replaced.

4. So you must share with your loved ones how you feel.

5. As it gets closer, each day leading up to your goodbye seems to matter just a little bit more.

6. There are some fantasies going on as the possibilities start to come up with the “hello” part after your goodbye…

7. You experience sporadic overloads of emotion.

8. You think about old friends that you have not talked to in a while,

9. and recall either why you haven’t, or look back fondly.

10. Time flies.

11. Everyone gives their opinion about the changes you are making.

12. You start to tune out opinions about the changes you are making.

13. Packing is very organized in your mind,

14. but executed in a very unorganized fashion.

15. Time. Flies…

It’s okay…608-03471325

16. To experience doubt-it’s normal for our brains to question things that take us outside our comfort zone.

17. To go through weird emotions. Just roll with them-they’ll pass if you let them through.

18. If you throw some things away that make you cringe because they have sentimental value. The sentiment will stay even if the material item does not.

19. To freak out a little.

20. If the next chapter of your life is not fully planned out.

21. That you don’t take much with you.

22. To close the door on relationships you’ve kept simply for keeping’s sake. This is your time to clear any emotional clutter as well.

23. If you need some space to adjust. Grounding yourself into a new environment is your job anyway.

24. To dream bigger than you ever have. Starting a new chapter brings the opportunity to check in with your goals.

From followers via Facebook 

(Ladies you might just be my regulars on 30 Somethings!) 

25. “How family & friends react.” ~Coy

26. “It’s the uncertainty of one’s decision. Did we make the right choice?“~Jodie

27. “I love the excitement of change…being pushed out of my comfort zone gives me a nervous excitement. I love new challenges and making new friends when I move to a new place! I hope to do it again soon!” ~Brigette

28. “The hardest part for me is finding “my people…”My favorite checker at the grocery store or the quirky lady that helps me at CVS, the guy at the bakery that knows my order when I walk int he door. Those are the ones I won’t keep in touch with through Facebook. They are who I truly miss…” ~Marni

29. “Bring the gifts they gave you [friends]…to share with those you meet ahead….there is so much wealth..we are giving to pass on, and so many people crave it…” ~Jayne

Lastly,

30. “In all those years here, you have meet so many people, some that had greatly enriched your life, while others just came and went. For those people who enriched your life, tell them how, what they taught you, maybe like laughing at yourself, or reaching farther than you wanted, what did they teach you, that you will bring to your new home and the people you met?

What was their gift, they passed on to you…..

pooh

Maggie xo