The Art of Letting Stuff Go

I sto17349184_10155134360375816_572837452_ood staring at it. Someone on Craigslist had made an offer. It was still fairly new and oh so comfortable. I felt the tears make their way to my throat. I wanted to cry but sent it all back down. It bothered me that I was able to move out of an apartment in two hours, chuck a third of my things during the move, and yet here I stood getting choked up about selling a mattress.

Although I knew it was the right decision the emotional part of me that was oddly attached kept taking jabs. “Don’t get rid of it just yet…wait until next week, or next month, or just keep it…it’s YOUR mattress.” I had to ignore this part and focus on the logic. In order to help the friend who was helping me, the mattress needed to go so we could coexist for longer, and more comfortably.

Oy. Why am I so sad over this. The emotional part kept holding on in my thoughts like a young child clinging to their favorite toy “don’t take away my treasured thing!” The logical part had a firmer tone, presenting itself in a matter-of-fact type manner “in order for you to have a roof over your head you have to get rid of your treasured thing.” One I was ignoring, and the other was anchoring me from completely losing my shit as I navigated my way out of an intense series of unfortunate events.

Then I realized there was another voice that I had allowed to get lost in the fog. The voice of intuition. The voice that knew in my soul, not my mind the “why” of the “whys.” She was always soft spoken and often sent me signals that it was time to check in through a feeling in my gut or chest, and even my throat at times. What did she have to say about all this?

After taking a mindful moment it hit me that aside from my car, the mattress was the last of my own space. It was the last thing I owned that was mine to rest in, mine to think in, mine to toss and turn in on those sleepless nights, and sleep in during those dream-filled mornings. The emotional part needed to be sad about that. It needed validation. So I cried over the stupid mattress, and just as quickly as I cried the slight feeling of grief dissipated too.

I could feel it clearly in my mind now, and in my gut.

If you want to have what you need dear soul, you are going to need to let go of many things you want. 

This included my mattress.

Maggie xo

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Squirrel

Here’s to my people who enjoy doing nothing when you’re supposed to be doing something, or in this instance, end up doing some things that detour you from the everything else you were supposed to do…

I made plans to write my blog post this afternoon. The morning was super productive, sweet sleep in, awesome meditation session, and start of laundry. Before I started to write I decided to watch one quick show while I had some lunch. I sit on my bed, put my food aside and start the show search. This was one of those times where my food and TV time simply had to be paired. You know when your plate is ready, but you wait until that first intro note from a show to start eating…do you know? Is it just me?

single
It can’t be just Me

I don’t have cable so it’s all about streaming.The show would not load from one site. The same show did not have any link sources on the next one. So I tried another, and another. And, another. There were other options, but that Taurus stubborn part of me decided THIS was the show that had to be watched with my lunch. I finally gave up and decided to watch Netflix. After all, I’d already wasted a few minutes and needed to get cracking on this blog post.

Then I looked at the clock.

I had spent almost 10 minutes looking at different stream sources, and waiting for them to load. I was so eerily focused I didn’t even realize how much time had passed.

Can you guess how much attention my writing received after that show? Maybe 10 minutes. Maybe. I had suddenly decided there were all these other things I needed to do before I went into writing mode. I changed the cover photo for my birthday brunch, watched a documentary, plucked my eyebrows…you know, all the important stuff.

Now here I am…almost 10 hours later writing about this to you. So yes, it IS getting done. Writing on my blog is honestly not the most important thing in the world to me, but it is important to me.

I find it funny, and interesting how often we invest in focusing on the doing these little unimportant things when we are in the midst of wanting to do what’s important. How often we direct our energy in thought and action on things that really don’t take us to the next level, or move us forward. They just sort of keep us occupied until we’re ready to do what matters.

And yet, all those little things we do to avoid what is needed to be done can be so fun right? I loved the documentary. It was fun to lay in bed creating a cool chicken and waffles-themed cover photo for the party. My eyebrows desperately needed some TLC and I saved a little money. If I hadn’t gone squirrel on myself today I would not have written such a truly inspired post…right?

Right…

Maggie xo

 

Sunday

2nd_pose1Yoga. Not the studio going lululemon-wearing perfect breathing with pretzel poses yoga…It was messy, I cried, and cursed at Yoga with Adriene.

But I felt so good afterward.

Sweaty Gratitude.

Backyard time. Sun. Cards. Wind. Heat. Something majorly poking my butt when I shifted my sitting position to meditate. Hair in my face and bugs.

Fulfilled.

Dinner with a friend. Bloody mary. Heavy food. Chats of romance and making friends. Beautiful baby painting with ranch dressing on the table. Disappearing waiter. We say thank you at the same time.

Heartfelt Fun.

Bookstore. Intriguing card deck discovered. Dusty smells. Long sunset drive home.

Love.

Home.

Night. Bed. The L Word binge. Comfort. Lots of texts.

This One,

“You don’t know how important you are to me.”

Grateful.

Maggie xo

My Butterfly Effect

Synchronicity hit me this weekend in a few ways, through one insightful angel card reading, and one insightful friend.

“It’s okay Maggie, to fall apart. You don’t have to act put together all the time.”

Wise words from her last night, as she watched me sob over a very young friend I lost a few years ago. When you lose someone, at least in my experience, it does not hurt any less when you remember. Over time for me though, that point of pain would not so readily surface. When I reconnected with it last night it was like an emotional damn had been opened. I have not cried like that in front of someone in a long time. Since my move to another state I have felt at times that twinge of loneliness when you are adjusting to living away from cherished friends, and trying to make new ones. It felt good to be in the company of a person who could really see who I am, and understand the subtle conflict that was going on during a moment of complete vulnerability.

This morning after conducting an interview in a small stuffy office, I decided to take a little walk and get some pictures of this pretty residential community. Still a little hazy from the night before, and sad, it felt nice to be out getting some fresh air. As I walked around, a little friend in the form of a butterfly flew by and alongside me for a few moments.

Then it landed here:

butterfly

I watched him for what felt like forever, people passing me by, looking at me quietly staring, taking waaaay too many pics, but I didn’t care how nuts I appeared. I let myself get lost in the moment, and its beauty. I felt comforted.

Back to that synchronicity thing.

I then recalled a woman I met who was able to communicate with my friend who passed telling me that any time I saw a butterfly, it was his way of saying hello. Then, I remembered my dear friend who gave me the angel card reading sharing my connection to butterfly energy. She had urged me to pay attention to it. Ahhh. Okay. Message received.

And I smiled.

Maggie xo

Heart Swells and Nausea

Last night my friends threw me a going away party.

It is one of two before I move to Texas,

and as bummed as I am to leave some really amazing people I am also
experiencing a heart swell so big it almost hurts, and makes me want to cryvalentine_face_1

or throw up…

Kind of like being in love?

I am so grateful.

Moving is the trigger for this feeling because it is causing me to reflect on my relationships, and what I would hope for with creating new ones.

You see…

Most of us are lucky to find a handful of people in our lives that we really connect with. We are especially lucky  to find friendships that remain solid over many years.

Most of us are lucky if we end a romantic relationship amicably and find gratitude in the experience. We are especially lucky to keep the friendship solid after that same ending.

So most of us are, and feel lucky if we can have some forms of this remain a constant throughout our lives.

As for me,

I have it all-with more than a handful of people.

And for that,

I am incredibly grateful.

pooh

Heart is swelling again

Maggie xo

My Papi

It’s the time of year again where I get to brag about my dad.

My Papi.

Best dad ever.

If you have a father, stepfather, uncle, or any male figure in your life you can say is the “best” this is the day to show how much you appreciate them.

Because unfortunately for many,

They don’t have this opportunity, or they can’t. FB_IMG_1428727035407

Along with being the best dad ever he has a very “unique” sense of humor that
only those who spend enough time around him understand.

That it’s straight up weird, and doesn’t have a real solid pattern of logic to it.

One fun expression of his humor is the dry “in your face” type stuff he does, and it totally messes with me.

So for this Father’s Day I’d like to mess with him, and share with you the side of him that messes with me.

And I have to say on paper it’s kinda funny….

*Papi once had me check the fire alarm in our house to see if it worked. I held my ear up close to listen for the beep when it did that LOUD INSANE BEEP right in my ear. When I yelled at him as to why he didn’t warn me about that he looked me dead in the eye and said,

Well now we know it works.

*When I cook for my dad or the whole family it is a nice experience for me. Coincidentally though, every time I cook Papi takes some convincing to eat because he never seems to be hungry at that time. I think he’s jealous because I am an awesome cook, but the ironic thing is

He taught me how to cook.

*I had a friend stay over one night and left in the morning before she woke up. She found a kitty poop on my bed and when she told my dad he told her to

Leave the poop for me to find

*Papi calls any man I date Miguel. Do we know a Miguel? No. Did I ever have boyfriend named Miguel? Nope. Now, when I actually had a date with a guy named Miguel…this;

Really messed with Papi’s mind.

Happy Easter Papi!

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Maggie xo

Food for Strength

What gives you strength?

My answers would be my faith in God, my family, and food.

This was made especially clear to me about five years ago when

I was diagnosed with cancer.

It was a frightening time,

but it was also encouraging.

It sucked being really sick but I knew there were people I could turn to. People who encouraged me, who listened to my complaining, and cheered me on to keep fighting.


I am eternally grateful for these people and even for the experience.

Why would I be grateful for going through cancer? For one, I know God saw fit to grow me and sometimes, He uses difficult situations to help me become a better person.

Cancer in and of itself is no fun. However, what I learned along the way was invaluable. I learned that it’s okay to cry, to ask for help, and that everything was really going to be just fine. I struggled with my faith a lot during this time but in the end, it only grew stronger.

How does one grow strong without enduring through some of the most difficult trials of life?

Plus, I am grateful to be able to eat without experiencing severe abdominal pain. Can you imagine not being able to eat your favorite meal?

(I  have made up for more than enough since then 😉 )

Here’s an idea: Invite people who give you strength to share a meal with you.

Encouragement goes both ways, right?

cancer

Blessings!

Amanda

Heart on My Sleeve…where it will Stay

I like Taylor Swift. She makes me happy and also sits with me on some sadness I have experienced in past relationships. She reminds of my niece and I have fun singing to her in the car. Okay I love her.

I like the movie Enchanted. The song at the end that Carrie Underwood sings about “ever ever afterrrr?” Love. Yea I love this movie.

I sometimes YouTube Jim and Pam’s wedding just for a smile.

I check in with an ex a few times a year just to remind myself that some connections can still warm my heart-even if it didn’t work out.

I get pedicures with another who is now a great friend and still makes me laugh harder than most people I know. (Yup, pedis)

I forgive.

I let go.

Keep smiling.

Hoping;

Believing.

Looking forward, and

Loving.

Knowing

That as much as life has given me reasons to tuck it away (because let’s face it sometimes love just SUCKS right?) my heart will always remain on my sleeve, and that in keeping it there, it is a courageous way of loving myself, too.

Maggie xo

Choices

Who you are matters.

What you do matters.

How you treat yourself matters.

How you treat others matters.

The decisions you make matter.

Like it or not, many of the decisions you make matter to others as well.

The choices you make are connected to something outside yourself. Even if it’s as small as grabbing a pair of socks at Target, taking a five-minute break at work, or sending your friend a quick text to confirm plans.

Friends,

If you ever think what you do and how you treat yourself does not really matter, or

Makes a difference…

It can not only make you apathetic, it can make youhurt-thomas-cooksey-00

Idle.

“I’m just one person. I don’t make a difference…”

:Sigh:

That’s not your sigh…it’s mine.

Guess what?

Lack of trying or caring

Can, and will…still

Matter, and make a difference.

To someone, or something.

makes-difference

Maggie xo

Keeping it Real

I got notification a few days ago from WordPress that it has been one year since I started this blog. Congrats! Dang-it’s been one year? It seems so long ago, and yet the notice arrived in my inbox quicker than I had anticipated.

When you have an anniversary, milestone, birthday…any date that rings change, you get to reflecting if even for a moment, on the year passed.

I remember when I wrote my first post. Where I was, and how I was feeling. At a Starbucks, and I could really feel that it was just me, with me. I observed myself for a bit…if that makes sense. I was a little lost, but open. Sad, but relieved. Grieving unexpected change, but really hopeful. I knew I had the opportunity to dig deeper into the real me, and bring her back to kicking ass again.

So after one year here is what I know about the real me…

The real me is not negative, but can feed off of negativity. It truly wants to be happy, and struggles to bring it back to self so that the happiness can stand still, on its own. It has fought tooth n nail over this past year to get over banking its self-worth with others. I know I have way too much potential to keep investing in doubtful thinking. The real me pauses too much when it doubts, and the real me fights growth, but at the same time loves coming out on the other side. The real me LOVES growing pains. It shines. It is fearless in heart when it moves forward with heart.

The real me is freaking weird. This has been confirmed by the loves who know the real me. I own it; it keeps me raw. The real me prefers to be alone a lot, needs to be, but is also very social. Doesn’t really like babies but truly looks forward to experiencing the gift of pregnancy someday. Hates salsa but chows down on pico de gallo. Has to draw boxes next to the list of things to do because of the feedback desired by literally writing “√” in the box upon completion. The real me likes to impress kids more than adults. Sleeps with a heater and fan in the room; on at the same time.

The real me feels too much. Highly sensitive. An empath. Eats her feelings and works out her motivations. Doesn’t like that she can feel what others feel and sometimes gets too great a sense of what others are thinking, but chooses to keep quiet about it most of the time. Loyal, and respectful. People tend to fully reveal what they feel, or think, anyway.

The real me is a little uncomfortable sharing all this over a public blog…but the real me is also aware that in sharing there is helping.

So that is why I’m sharing.

 mandyMaggie xo

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