when She is Big

I would like to share something written by a woman I admire, and have had the pleasure to work with over the last few months.

She is Big because she is not afraid to dig deep, and uses what she finds to positively move forward! I am proud of this Calla gal.

ccvk

When I am Big
I am a mindful, centered, positive creator.
I am helpful and giving to others in a way that doesn’t drain me or steal my energy.
I am dynamic and energetic with a thirst for life and change.
I am kind and compassionate from a place of love and not fear or anger.
I am strong and truthful and authentic and able to express my position with words of wisdom.
I am free from the shackles of societal and familial pressures and forge my own path based on the whispers of my Heart.
I am slow moving through each present moment with a quiet mind and an open heart.
I am uplifted because the universe has my back and I put my wholehearted trust in that Divine Power.
That is who I am when I am Big.

Vanessa, a Callavida Gal

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Anything, But

I mostly feed my soul with this blog, but for today, this post is not for me.

This is for the friend. The friend who wrote me that she is hurting because she feels like she does not know who she is anymore. She says the world took that away from her. She does not like herself when she looks in the mirror. She does not love herself.

“What do you think Maggie?” she asked me.

“What do you say about yourself?”

About myself?

Instantaneously I am compelled to answer that

I am grateful.

Bottom line.

Then I add….

I really like myself. Actually, I love myself. I am keenly aware of the things that make up who I am that I would not change, because then I would be changing the make up of who I am.

Sometimes though…this can be rather annoying…and I think it becomes this way when you REALLY start to like yourself. Love yourself. When you don’t really like or love you-these things can simply hurt. Sometimes…

It seems the world wants you to be anything but the realrawfreewildnonconforming Iamsohappyinmyownpersonalitybubblepleasedonotfreakinpopit-YOU.

So I try to be anything but.

What people that do not have their own best interests at heart, expect me to be.

tried
Maggie xo

The Parking Lot

Some of you might recall the blog post I did on self-healing, and one of the suggestions I made to write. If you have not had the chance to read this post, please do. Writing has always been one of the greatest outlets I have used to get through things, move forward, and communicate messages when I could not speak them out clearly.

So I want to write about the time I was scared for my life. I want to write about it because I am aware this is a deeply lodged block that was brought to the surface during a healing session with a dear friend, and when advised to face it I clamped up again. It is not going to be dealt with through excessive tears, reliving every single detail of that moment alone in my head, or sharing the story with someone face to face. I further realize this is not about forgiving the other person because I already have, years ago; it is about forgiving myself. Finally. Time to forgive, in entirety…

~

I forgive myself for allowing someone to treat me in a way I did not deserve to be treated. I did not deserve to be treated this way. I did not deserve to be treated this way.

I did not deserve to be treated this way.

I forgive myself for not getting the hell out when I had those opportunities I stayed. When my friends reached out their hand and I high fived back my being okay instead of letting them hold it and take it and take me away. And I stayed. I forgive myself for dropping out of school and spending every moment I had to spare with him because he declared college wasn’t for me. I forgive myself for keeping my mouth shut and apologizing when I knew he had cheated but yelled at me for knowing he had cheated on me. Yes it appears that I cheated on you, but I didn’t. I did. I forgive myself for not wearing lipstick years after because he said it looked horrible on me. I never liked it, but now the colors are muted, or so bright because with you all I knew was one or the other. You made me quiet with my light. You made me quiet. This one…oh you really got me with this one. I forgive myself. For not singing in the car or shower when you were around because you said I had a terrible voice. No Mariahs here but, fuck you-it was and still is my ultimate outlet. And I rock it.

Most of all I forgive myself for believing I was so unworthy that I stayed with someone who made me scared for my life one night. Around my neck tight. Yelling at me, laughing at the same time I was grabbing hands and trying to pull them away. What if I scratched him. But then he might get more mad. So this is what it feels like to lose more than my voice. I hope I don’t have a mark on my neck. Another excuse, like the bump on my forehead. He let me go. When we walked into that Safeway and I had mascara running down my face, my hair disheveled. I looked in the mirror at that dirty Midtown Safeway bathroom and could not recognize myself.

I didn’t know what had just happened, but I knew he was waiting.

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Be Well

Maggie xo

Beach Please, You’ll be Okay

Sometimes, the best part of diving into something is the mess you make while it works itself out…

beachplease
Maggie xo

Sunday

2nd_pose1Yoga. Not the studio going lululemon-wearing perfect breathing with pretzel poses yoga…It was messy, I cried, and cursed at Yoga with Adriene.

But I felt so good afterward.

Sweaty Gratitude.

Backyard time. Sun. Cards. Wind. Heat. Something majorly poking my butt when I shifted my sitting position to meditate. Hair in my face and bugs.

Fulfilled.

Dinner with a friend. Bloody mary. Heavy food. Chats of romance and making friends. Beautiful baby painting with ranch dressing on the table. Disappearing waiter. We say thank you at the same time.

Heartfelt Fun.

Bookstore. Intriguing card deck discovered. Dusty smells. Long sunset drive home.

Love.

Home.

Night. Bed. The L Word binge. Comfort. Lots of texts.

This One,

“You don’t know how important you are to me.”

Grateful.

Maggie xo

Of Course I like you. You’re an Asshole

I pulled up the text messages with clearly mundane, disinterested replies. I gave a huge throaty sigh, And as if a mother or great friend were scolding I heard myself say:

“Maggie of course you like him, he’s an asshole.”

~

So I am doing the Internet/Smartphone uhh…”dating” thing. 

Actually don’t really like it, and don’t believe I’m going to meet “the one” this way, but figure I could use the practice, and some of the experiences I’ve had have been these wonderfully weird stories to share. Which IS one of the fun things about dating in my 30s compared to my 20s.

 In a good way, I care less.

20s: Does HE like ME?

30s: Do I like HIM?

20s: He hasn’t called even though I texted him hello, what did I do? Maybe I should text one more time. I’ll add a cute unnaturally-posed selfie so he’ll be reminded of how pretty I am.

30s: Wait, that guy I saw last week hasn’t called. Oh well.

Where’s the beer I ordered?20140908_205413
Ya’ll wanna go home soon
I can’t wait to take off my bra.

BUT

(There’s always a but)…

I have noticed one habit I still haven’t completely shaken off that really needs to get squashed once and for all. And I am glad this has come to my attention NOW…while I…practice…”dating”…

I still go for assholes.

Oh yea, I used to date assholes. Chase assholes. Fall in love with them.

Spent the last year or so addressing this pattern, but hadn’t really dated to put into practice what I’d learned. Then recently I started to notice who I was paying more attention to.

The guys that didn’t have any descriptions on their profiles. The guys that looked like my asshole exes. The guys that didn’t want to actually meet me they just wanted to text a lot. Red flags. Everywhere.

And then I thought about the few exes I couldn’t say were jerks. I met them through friends. They were weird like me. They were dorky in some way like me. They were kind.

Touche my friend.

Touche.

Time to completely swipe left.

Maggie xo

Wedding Wishes

I’d like to dedicate this blog post to my very special friend Christina.

Christina is the type of friend that had I not known her I am one hundred percent certain I would not be the person I am today.

How many of us are so lucky?

Christina is marrying the one. I am thrilled for them both as these days it is not as common to witness a couple getting married for simply the following reason:

Love.

love

So with this awesomeness are some wishes that have been sitting with me,

that I would like to share with you.

~wedding wishes~

I wish you both the kind of marriage that continues to refresh itself as you continue to work on it.

I hope that when you feel like “I love you” you always say it.

When you feel like “I need you” you always ask.

And when you feel like “I appreciate you” you show it.

I hope that you both continue to have separate Facebook accounts and never mesh one together. Please don’t be about that life.

I wish for you to have fat healthy babies. Or baby. Your choice!

I hope you don’t start always referring to each other as “my husband” and “my wife.” We know who you are and will still manage to remember you’re married even if you refer to each other with your birth-given names.

I sincerely wish for you to become that super old couple everyone admires and younger people ask “How do you sustain a happy healthy marriage?”

~

As I think about all the things I want to wish for your union it dawns on me.

The same wishes I have for you, I have for me. Even the silly ones.

And as I send much love with all these wishes to you I know in my heart if I stay true to my own self as you both have,

the day will come you will be wishing me the same.

I’m dead serious about the Facebook one. Please. I beg of you.

love-quote-text-the-one-true-love-Favim.com-449221

Magdelena xo

I saw your eyes
And you touched my mind
Though it took a while
I was falling in love…

Food for Strength

What gives you strength?

My answers would be my faith in God, my family, and food.

This was made especially clear to me about five years ago when

I was diagnosed with cancer.

It was a frightening time,

but it was also encouraging.

It sucked being really sick but I knew there were people I could turn to. People who encouraged me, who listened to my complaining, and cheered me on to keep fighting.


I am eternally grateful for these people and even for the experience.

Why would I be grateful for going through cancer? For one, I know God saw fit to grow me and sometimes, He uses difficult situations to help me become a better person.

Cancer in and of itself is no fun. However, what I learned along the way was invaluable. I learned that it’s okay to cry, to ask for help, and that everything was really going to be just fine. I struggled with my faith a lot during this time but in the end, it only grew stronger.

How does one grow strong without enduring through some of the most difficult trials of life?

Plus, I am grateful to be able to eat without experiencing severe abdominal pain. Can you imagine not being able to eat your favorite meal?

(I  have made up for more than enough since then 😉 )

Here’s an idea: Invite people who give you strength to share a meal with you.

Encouragement goes both ways, right?

cancer

Blessings!

Amanda

Heart on My Sleeve…where it will Stay

I like Taylor Swift. She makes me happy and also sits with me on some sadness I have experienced in past relationships. She reminds of my niece and I have fun singing to her in the car. Okay I love her.

I like the movie Enchanted. The song at the end that Carrie Underwood sings about “ever ever afterrrr?” Love. Yea I love this movie.

I sometimes YouTube Jim and Pam’s wedding just for a smile.

I check in with an ex a few times a year just to remind myself that some connections can still warm my heart-even if it didn’t work out.

I get pedicures with another who is now a great friend and still makes me laugh harder than most people I know. (Yup, pedis)

I forgive.

I let go.

Keep smiling.

Hoping;

Believing.

Looking forward, and

Loving.

Knowing

That as much as life has given me reasons to tuck it away (because let’s face it sometimes love just SUCKS right?) my heart will always remain on my sleeve, and that in keeping it there, it is a courageous way of loving myself, too.

Maggie xo

What’s Love Got to do With It

“If he really loved me he would have stayed.”

“If she really loved me she would change.”broken-heart

“He said he loved me why did he hurt me?”

“She said she would always have my back why did she end up stabbing it?”

Ever asked yourself any of these questions? Some of them? All of them? I think at some point we all have been in a place of confusion and/or hurt due to this thing called love.

With certain people in our lives the love comes with expectations, and guarantees. Isn’t it funny how we tend to cut our friends and family a little more slack with the expectations and guarantees?

The guarantee they will never leave. The guarantee they will never truly hurt our feelings. The expectation they will always remain faithful. The guarantee that no matter what they will stick around to work things out. The expectation that they will never tragically let us down.

Most of the time, love has nothing to do with these unfortunate experiences.

It really can not be, about you.

The thing is,

It is not usually the love that betrays you-it is the person or belief in a guarantee made by them, or one you made up in your mind.

The only thing that love guarantees is…an experience.

With that said my point is, love. Always love. Live love, be love, and be brave in love. Because those times you feel like love let you down are the very times I write of. Remember, it is not usually the love that lets you down, and you miss out on so much when you hold on to things that have nothing to do with the purest form of the way you love others.

So what’s love got to do with it?

Sometimes everything, and other times…nothing at all.

Maggie xo