Anything, But

I mostly feed my soul with this blog, but for today, this post is not for me.

This is for the friend. The friend who wrote me that she is hurting because she feels like she does not know who she is anymore. She says the world took that away from her. She does not like herself when she looks in the mirror. She does not love herself.

“What do you think Maggie?” she asked me.

“What do you say about yourself?”

About myself?

Instantaneously I am compelled to answer that

I am grateful.

Bottom line.

Then I add….

I really like myself. Actually, I love myself. I am keenly aware of the things that make up who I am that I would not change, because then I would be changing the make up of who I am.

Sometimes though…this can be rather annoying…and I think it becomes this way when you REALLY start to like yourself. Love yourself. When you don’t really like or love you-these things can simply hurt. Sometimes…

It seems the world wants you to be anything but the realrawfreewildnonconforming Iamsohappyinmyownpersonalitybubblepleasedonotfreakinpopit-YOU.

So I try to be anything but.

What people that do not have their own best interests at heart, expect me to be.

tried
Maggie xo

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Sunday

2nd_pose1Yoga. Not the studio going lululemon-wearing perfect breathing with pretzel poses yoga…It was messy, I cried, and cursed at Yoga with Adriene.

But I felt so good afterward.

Sweaty Gratitude.

Backyard time. Sun. Cards. Wind. Heat. Something majorly poking my butt when I shifted my sitting position to meditate. Hair in my face and bugs.

Fulfilled.

Dinner with a friend. Bloody mary. Heavy food. Chats of romance and making friends. Beautiful baby painting with ranch dressing on the table. Disappearing waiter. We say thank you at the same time.

Heartfelt Fun.

Bookstore. Intriguing card deck discovered. Dusty smells. Long sunset drive home.

Love.

Home.

Night. Bed. The L Word binge. Comfort. Lots of texts.

This One,

“You don’t know how important you are to me.”

Grateful.

Maggie xo

My Butterfly Effect

Synchronicity hit me this weekend in a few ways, through one insightful angel card reading, and one insightful friend.

“It’s okay Maggie, to fall apart. You don’t have to act put together all the time.”

Wise words from her last night, as she watched me sob over a very young friend I lost a few years ago. When you lose someone, at least in my experience, it does not hurt any less when you remember. Over time for me though, that point of pain would not so readily surface. When I reconnected with it last night it was like an emotional damn had been opened. I have not cried like that in front of someone in a long time. Since my move to another state I have felt at times that twinge of loneliness when you are adjusting to living away from cherished friends, and trying to make new ones. It felt good to be in the company of a person who could really see who I am, and understand the subtle conflict that was going on during a moment of complete vulnerability.

This morning after conducting an interview in a small stuffy office, I decided to take a little walk and get some pictures of this pretty residential community. Still a little hazy from the night before, and sad, it felt nice to be out getting some fresh air. As I walked around, a little friend in the form of a butterfly flew by and alongside me for a few moments.

Then it landed here:

butterfly

I watched him for what felt like forever, people passing me by, looking at me quietly staring, taking waaaay too many pics, but I didn’t care how nuts I appeared. I let myself get lost in the moment, and its beauty. I felt comforted.

Back to that synchronicity thing.

I then recalled a woman I met who was able to communicate with my friend who passed telling me that any time I saw a butterfly, it was his way of saying hello. Then, I remembered my dear friend who gave me the angel card reading sharing my connection to butterfly energy. She had urged me to pay attention to it. Ahhh. Okay. Message received.

And I smiled.

Maggie xo

Of Course I like you. You’re an Asshole

I pulled up the text messages with clearly mundane, disinterested replies. I gave a huge throaty sigh, And as if a mother or great friend were scolding I heard myself say:

“Maggie of course you like him, he’s an asshole.”

~

So I am doing the Internet/Smartphone uhh…”dating” thing. 

Actually don’t really like it, and don’t believe I’m going to meet “the one” this way, but figure I could use the practice, and some of the experiences I’ve had have been these wonderfully weird stories to share. Which IS one of the fun things about dating in my 30s compared to my 20s.

 In a good way, I care less.

20s: Does HE like ME?

30s: Do I like HIM?

20s: He hasn’t called even though I texted him hello, what did I do? Maybe I should text one more time. I’ll add a cute unnaturally-posed selfie so he’ll be reminded of how pretty I am.

30s: Wait, that guy I saw last week hasn’t called. Oh well.

Where’s the beer I ordered?20140908_205413
Ya’ll wanna go home soon
I can’t wait to take off my bra.

BUT

(There’s always a but)…

I have noticed one habit I still haven’t completely shaken off that really needs to get squashed once and for all. And I am glad this has come to my attention NOW…while I…practice…”dating”…

I still go for assholes.

Oh yea, I used to date assholes. Chase assholes. Fall in love with them.

Spent the last year or so addressing this pattern, but hadn’t really dated to put into practice what I’d learned. Then recently I started to notice who I was paying more attention to.

The guys that didn’t have any descriptions on their profiles. The guys that looked like my asshole exes. The guys that didn’t want to actually meet me they just wanted to text a lot. Red flags. Everywhere.

And then I thought about the few exes I couldn’t say were jerks. I met them through friends. They were weird like me. They were dorky in some way like me. They were kind.

Touche my friend.

Touche.

Time to completely swipe left.

Maggie xo

Thank You for Your Goodbye

Bear with me on this post…I am feeling a bit salty as I start this.

Thursday marked the closing of a thread of toxic relationships in my life.

At first I was upset-this last friend was someone I had known for a long time, and I expected more from her because of that. I expected to be treated with the consideration that for the first time in our friendship I spoke up for myself. I was kind yet honest, and I was…you know…considerate. But no. Apparently I struck a major cord by communicating that I needed some space so she decided to put permanent space between us.

The Facebook unfriending! When-someone-unfriends-me

When I realized this was the manner of which I was getting the boot I had to chuckle. I guess in this sense, my expectations were met.

But as many of us learn the hard way…it is in general, really not healthy to hold expectations with others. Especially the ones you have seen repeat the same negative patterns in other relationships.

Why would I be any different?

I’m not.

And that is totally okay.

I don’t believe every single thing happens for a reason, but I do believe that the last few people who have exited my life in ways that do not honor all the years we’ve shared with each other is a sign I am experiencing the clearing of emotional clutter. Because clearing means creating space for greater things to come.

I would like to thank these last few people who I have parted ways with.

For your time in the past, however we left things it healthily clears my present, but I do honestly wish you well with your future, and release you with love.

I am going to keep it moving looking forward, and up.

20140908_205413

Maggie xo

Heart Swells and Butterflies

I heart Love.

My ability to simply sit with the feeling without having any particular person or situation in mind is something I’ve only recently really sank into.

Yet I still love that teenage heart leap when someone you find extra interesting catches your attention. I wouldn’t really call  myself a hopeless romantic… but rather a hopeful sapiosexual.

Meaty conversation, certainty in the uncertain, and a genuine interest in the world around us is what gets my heart pumping.

However, now I mean this with any type of relationship.

Romance, friendships, and work life…whomever, and wherever.

What it really ended up coming down to is the understanding that my energy in this life is precious. I don’t write this with any sense of exclusivity, but more so with a deeper sense of how this operates in my daily life. We experience the mundane and “normal” enough in our day to day. I understand every moment of my existence will not be filled with the type of love-feeling I am describing here,

But…

I also understand that between the larger solid rocks, in that metaphorical jar of what goes in on my life, and with who…the tiny grains of sand fillers are what make it exactly that…fulfilling. So as I move forward making adjustments to my own energy, that includes adjusting interactions that align more with who I am.

(Refer back to the sapiosexual comment)

Because I heart to love,

I will never settle for less than the heart swells and butterflies.

and darling,

Neither should you.

my_tears_turn_into_butterflies_by_love_undefined-d4fkfcp

Maggie xo

Heart Swells and Nausea

Last night my friends threw me a going away party.

It is one of two before I move to Texas,

and as bummed as I am to leave some really amazing people I am also
experiencing a heart swell so big it almost hurts, and makes me want to cryvalentine_face_1

or throw up…

Kind of like being in love?

I am so grateful.

Moving is the trigger for this feeling because it is causing me to reflect on my relationships, and what I would hope for with creating new ones.

You see…

Most of us are lucky to find a handful of people in our lives that we really connect with. We are especially lucky  to find friendships that remain solid over many years.

Most of us are lucky if we end a romantic relationship amicably and find gratitude in the experience. We are especially lucky to keep the friendship solid after that same ending.

So most of us are, and feel lucky if we can have some forms of this remain a constant throughout our lives.

As for me,

I have it all-with more than a handful of people.

And for that,

I am incredibly grateful.

pooh

Heart is swelling again

Maggie xo

Wedding Wishes

I’d like to dedicate this blog post to my very special friend Christina.

Christina is the type of friend that had I not known her I am one hundred percent certain I would not be the person I am today.

How many of us are so lucky?

Christina is marrying the one. I am thrilled for them both as these days it is not as common to witness a couple getting married for simply the following reason:

Love.

love

So with this awesomeness are some wishes that have been sitting with me,

that I would like to share with you.

~wedding wishes~

I wish you both the kind of marriage that continues to refresh itself as you continue to work on it.

I hope that when you feel like “I love you” you always say it.

When you feel like “I need you” you always ask.

And when you feel like “I appreciate you” you show it.

I hope that you both continue to have separate Facebook accounts and never mesh one together. Please don’t be about that life.

I wish for you to have fat healthy babies. Or baby. Your choice!

I hope you don’t start always referring to each other as “my husband” and “my wife.” We know who you are and will still manage to remember you’re married even if you refer to each other with your birth-given names.

I sincerely wish for you to become that super old couple everyone admires and younger people ask “How do you sustain a happy healthy marriage?”

~

As I think about all the things I want to wish for your union it dawns on me.

The same wishes I have for you, I have for me. Even the silly ones.

And as I send much love with all these wishes to you I know in my heart if I stay true to my own self as you both have,

the day will come you will be wishing me the same.

I’m dead serious about the Facebook one. Please. I beg of you.

love-quote-text-the-one-true-love-Favim.com-449221

Magdelena xo

I saw your eyes
And you touched my mind
Though it took a while
I was falling in love…

Real Genius

I’m back teaching summer school

and my TA is a T.N.

Total. Nerd.

I don’t mean the cute Joseph Gordon-Levitt type. I  mean the kid who wears a shirt that has a periodic table with the quote “I wear this shirt periodically,” a joseph-gordon-levitt-02mouth full of braces, is as pale as he is skinny, and doesn’t know how to answer a simple question such as “Do you like working with kids,” but can go off on a tangent about the chemical composition of carbon dioxide in an alka-seltzer tab we’re using to make lava.       I am not even sure I know what that last sentence means.

He drives me crazy.

For 3rd and 4th period I teach a Chemistry in the Kitchen class to 1st and 2nd grade children. We basically put together  stuff that comes from the kitchen in hopes of the following:

1) An explosion.

2) An overflow of ingredients.

3) That it is something we can eat.

It’s a SUPER basic class, and because my specialty is reading and language arts I pride myself on having kept it simple for the last 4 years I’ve taught it. Now this kid shows up and does one or more of the following every day:

1) Corrects the terms I use like “pyramid” to “tetrahedron.”

2) Half cleans up when I ask him to clean up stuff. He only seems to focus on the immediate area around him, and not the entire classroom.

3) Spends 1-2 hours coming up with formulas for simple experiments I ask him to set up like making soda with a bit of baking soda, fruit punch powder, and water.

Let me touch on the last one and finally get to my point. Again this kid drives me crazy. He can be hardly helpful at times because he will sit at the back of the classroom writing out formulas or doodling pictures of the experiments he is supposed to actually ya know, be setting up in real life.

However, the day we were supposed to make the fruit punch soda I taught him something, and he taught me. After spending the first two hours of school writing out formulas and doing taste tests to see if there was a perfect scientific calculation formula thingy between the baking soda, water, and fruit punch he told me it was impossible to make the fizz without the drink tasting super bitter.

So asked him,

“Hey…did you just put the two into the water to taste? Like did you NOT calculate anything and just add in what you thought might work?”

“Um…huh? I tested a few samples from my calculations and-“

That’s a nope.

We went into the classroom. I put a teeny bit of baking soda, half a cup of water, and most of the fruit punch packet in the water. Voilà! Fizz, and a horrifyingly too-sweet drink any kid would love. He tasted it, paused, and replied “Uh ya that tastes pretty good.”

What did he learn? Sometimes its NOT about the perfect calculation for the perfect formula for the perfect result.

The real genius in life is understanding that sometimes the perfect result comes from an imperfect process.

Kinda like my life…

What did I learn? Patience. Although he drives me crazy this is a 14 year-old kid still figuring things out. Rather than forcing any ideas into his head I allow him the space to explore his position in our class in his own nerdy way. I also make sure to praise him highly in the occasional occasion his expertise come in handy.

I’m sure one day this kid will turn out to be just as cool as I am.  He will blossom into one of those confident nerds and meet someone who finds his interest in YouTubing Chemistry crash courses fascinating (this is a current hobby of his).

nerdblog2

and he’ll be just fine.

Maggie xo

Heart on My Sleeve…where it will Stay

I like Taylor Swift. She makes me happy and also sits with me on some sadness I have experienced in past relationships. She reminds of my niece and I have fun singing to her in the car. Okay I love her.

I like the movie Enchanted. The song at the end that Carrie Underwood sings about “ever ever afterrrr?” Love. Yea I love this movie.

I sometimes YouTube Jim and Pam’s wedding just for a smile.

I check in with an ex a few times a year just to remind myself that some connections can still warm my heart-even if it didn’t work out.

I get pedicures with another who is now a great friend and still makes me laugh harder than most people I know. (Yup, pedis)

I forgive.

I let go.

Keep smiling.

Hoping;

Believing.

Looking forward, and

Loving.

Knowing

That as much as life has given me reasons to tuck it away (because let’s face it sometimes love just SUCKS right?) my heart will always remain on my sleeve, and that in keeping it there, it is a courageous way of loving myself, too.

Maggie xo