A 1st World Problem

For many of you reading, if not all, we do not know what it truly feels like to be starved. So before you read the following short story please understand, that I understand how this experience pales in comparison to real world issues of hunger.

With that disclaimer, please enjoy and possibly relate to my experience…

Human Moments: Sticky Fingers

9:00am. No breakfast. No time to fully prep but I did make a small sandwich to take to work. 11:00am. Small lunch. Felt more like a snack. Maybe I can run out and grab something else. Nope. No time. I had to go to the store after work. No dinner. Not yet.

6:30pm. First thing I pass is the deli. Okay, let me get 5 pieces of the general chicken and I can eat it while shopping. Then I felt embarrassed. So I quickly walked around the store gathering what I needed while catching a whiff of the spicy sweet chicken teasing me with its smell in the cart. Get out of my way kid. Why is she blocking the exact area I need to get to?! Crap I forgot the apple juice and it’s on the other side of the store. SIGH. I’ll get it right before I check out. Who is calling me?? It’s getting busy. I need to get out of here. Then, excluding my oh so special self with this next thought…

Why does everyone have to shop after work?

7:30pm. As I stick my card in the chip reader (and wait. and wait) I feel someone close by. Okay man behind me in line. Why are you standing so close? SIGH. Just think about the yummy new chocolate cashew milk you bought, Maggie. In about 30 minutes you’ll be seated with a tall glass of it, and dinner.

I hurry my cart towards the store exit, and just as I was about the leave the same man whom I deemed as annoying for standing so close to me tapped my shoulder, and handed me a bag I had left.

It was the chocolate cashew milk.

Wow! I thanked him for essentially chasing me down, and felt a slight surge of excitement knowing my chocolate milk was not forgotten. I threw the groceries in the trunk except for the chicken. The chicken got the passenger’s seat.

Damnit, I still forgot the apple juice.

I rip open the container at a red light and shove a piece of chicken in my mouth. The song on my playlist switches over to a little jazz number, and I feel a wave of calm take over. I thought “This is a nice song, why don’t I listen to it more often?” I suddenly felt more relaxed, and enjoyed being a passive listener versus the usual which entails my belting out any of my songs with reckless abandon.

Having chowed down on my 5 pieces of foul by the time I pulled up to my house, I grabbed the rest of the groceries, sticky fingers and all. Greeted excitedly by my nephew, niece, and a hyper little terrier I felt a familiar shift in my mood….was it them? I feel…less annoyed.

The hanger is real.

Maggie xo

Advertisements

Anything, But

I mostly feed my soul with this blog, but for today, this post is not for me.

This is for the friend. The friend who wrote me that she is hurting because she feels like she does not know who she is anymore. She says the world took that away from her. She does not like herself when she looks in the mirror. She does not love herself.

“What do you think Maggie?” she asked me.

“What do you say about yourself?”

About myself?

Instantaneously I am compelled to answer that

I am grateful.

Bottom line.

Then I add….

I really like myself. Actually, I love myself. I am keenly aware of the things that make up who I am that I would not change, because then I would be changing the make up of who I am.

Sometimes though…this can be rather annoying…and I think it becomes this way when you REALLY start to like yourself. Love yourself. When you don’t really like or love you-these things can simply hurt. Sometimes…

It seems the world wants you to be anything but the realrawfreewildnonconforming Iamsohappyinmyownpersonalitybubblepleasedonotfreakinpopit-YOU.

So I try to be anything but.

What people that do not have their own best interests at heart, expect me to be.

tried
Maggie xo

Squirrel

Here’s to my people who enjoy doing nothing when you’re supposed to be doing something, or in this instance, end up doing some things that detour you from the everything else you were supposed to do…

I made plans to write my blog post this afternoon. The morning was super productive, sweet sleep in, awesome meditation session, and start of laundry. Before I started to write I decided to watch one quick show while I had some lunch. I sit on my bed, put my food aside and start the show search. This was one of those times where my food and TV time simply had to be paired. You know when your plate is ready, but you wait until that first intro note from a show to start eating…do you know? Is it just me?

single
It can’t be just Me

I don’t have cable so it’s all about streaming.The show would not load from one site. The same show did not have any link sources on the next one. So I tried another, and another. And, another. There were other options, but that Taurus stubborn part of me decided THIS was the show that had to be watched with my lunch. I finally gave up and decided to watch Netflix. After all, I’d already wasted a few minutes and needed to get cracking on this blog post.

Then I looked at the clock.

I had spent almost 10 minutes looking at different stream sources, and waiting for them to load. I was so eerily focused I didn’t even realize how much time had passed.

Can you guess how much attention my writing received after that show? Maybe 10 minutes. Maybe. I had suddenly decided there were all these other things I needed to do before I went into writing mode. I changed the cover photo for my birthday brunch, watched a documentary, plucked my eyebrows…you know, all the important stuff.

Now here I am…almost 10 hours later writing about this to you. So yes, it IS getting done. Writing on my blog is honestly not the most important thing in the world to me, but it is important to me.

I find it funny, and interesting how often we invest in focusing on the doing these little unimportant things when we are in the midst of wanting to do what’s important. How often we direct our energy in thought and action on things that really don’t take us to the next level, or move us forward. They just sort of keep us occupied until we’re ready to do what matters.

And yet, all those little things we do to avoid what is needed to be done can be so fun right? I loved the documentary. It was fun to lay in bed creating a cool chicken and waffles-themed cover photo for the party. My eyebrows desperately needed some TLC and I saved a little money. If I hadn’t gone squirrel on myself today I would not have written such a truly inspired post…right?

Right…

Maggie xo

 

Sunday

2nd_pose1Yoga. Not the studio going lululemon-wearing perfect breathing with pretzel poses yoga…It was messy, I cried, and cursed at Yoga with Adriene.

But I felt so good afterward.

Sweaty Gratitude.

Backyard time. Sun. Cards. Wind. Heat. Something majorly poking my butt when I shifted my sitting position to meditate. Hair in my face and bugs.

Fulfilled.

Dinner with a friend. Bloody mary. Heavy food. Chats of romance and making friends. Beautiful baby painting with ranch dressing on the table. Disappearing waiter. We say thank you at the same time.

Heartfelt Fun.

Bookstore. Intriguing card deck discovered. Dusty smells. Long sunset drive home.

Love.

Home.

Night. Bed. The L Word binge. Comfort. Lots of texts.

This One,

“You don’t know how important you are to me.”

Grateful.

Maggie xo

My Butterfly Effect

Synchronicity hit me this weekend in a few ways, through one insightful angel card reading, and one insightful friend.

“It’s okay Maggie, to fall apart. You don’t have to act put together all the time.”

Wise words from her last night, as she watched me sob over a very young friend I lost a few years ago. When you lose someone, at least in my experience, it does not hurt any less when you remember. Over time for me though, that point of pain would not so readily surface. When I reconnected with it last night it was like an emotional damn had been opened. I have not cried like that in front of someone in a long time. Since my move to another state I have felt at times that twinge of loneliness when you are adjusting to living away from cherished friends, and trying to make new ones. It felt good to be in the company of a person who could really see who I am, and understand the subtle conflict that was going on during a moment of complete vulnerability.

This morning after conducting an interview in a small stuffy office, I decided to take a little walk and get some pictures of this pretty residential community. Still a little hazy from the night before, and sad, it felt nice to be out getting some fresh air. As I walked around, a little friend in the form of a butterfly flew by and alongside me for a few moments.

Then it landed here:

butterfly

I watched him for what felt like forever, people passing me by, looking at me quietly staring, taking waaaay too many pics, but I didn’t care how nuts I appeared. I let myself get lost in the moment, and its beauty. I felt comforted.

Back to that synchronicity thing.

I then recalled a woman I met who was able to communicate with my friend who passed telling me that any time I saw a butterfly, it was his way of saying hello. Then, I remembered my dear friend who gave me the angel card reading sharing my connection to butterfly energy. She had urged me to pay attention to it. Ahhh. Okay. Message received.

And I smiled.

Maggie xo

Of Course I like you. You’re an Asshole

I pulled up the text messages with clearly mundane, disinterested replies. I gave a huge throaty sigh, And as if a mother or great friend were scolding I heard myself say:

“Maggie of course you like him, he’s an asshole.”

~

So I am doing the Internet/Smartphone uhh…”dating” thing. 

Actually don’t really like it, and don’t believe I’m going to meet “the one” this way, but figure I could use the practice, and some of the experiences I’ve had have been these wonderfully weird stories to share. Which IS one of the fun things about dating in my 30s compared to my 20s.

 In a good way, I care less.

20s: Does HE like ME?

30s: Do I like HIM?

20s: He hasn’t called even though I texted him hello, what did I do? Maybe I should text one more time. I’ll add a cute unnaturally-posed selfie so he’ll be reminded of how pretty I am.

30s: Wait, that guy I saw last week hasn’t called. Oh well.

Where’s the beer I ordered?20140908_205413
Ya’ll wanna go home soon
I can’t wait to take off my bra.

BUT

(There’s always a but)…

I have noticed one habit I still haven’t completely shaken off that really needs to get squashed once and for all. And I am glad this has come to my attention NOW…while I…practice…”dating”…

I still go for assholes.

Oh yea, I used to date assholes. Chase assholes. Fall in love with them.

Spent the last year or so addressing this pattern, but hadn’t really dated to put into practice what I’d learned. Then recently I started to notice who I was paying more attention to.

The guys that didn’t have any descriptions on their profiles. The guys that looked like my asshole exes. The guys that didn’t want to actually meet me they just wanted to text a lot. Red flags. Everywhere.

And then I thought about the few exes I couldn’t say were jerks. I met them through friends. They were weird like me. They were dorky in some way like me. They were kind.

Touche my friend.

Touche.

Time to completely swipe left.

Maggie xo

What’s Love Got to do With It

“If he really loved me he would have stayed.”

“If she really loved me she would change.”broken-heart

“He said he loved me why did he hurt me?”

“She said she would always have my back why did she end up stabbing it?”

Ever asked yourself any of these questions? Some of them? All of them? I think at some point we all have been in a place of confusion and/or hurt due to this thing called love.

With certain people in our lives the love comes with expectations, and guarantees. Isn’t it funny how we tend to cut our friends and family a little more slack with the expectations and guarantees?

The guarantee they will never leave. The guarantee they will never truly hurt our feelings. The expectation they will always remain faithful. The guarantee that no matter what they will stick around to work things out. The expectation that they will never tragically let us down.

Most of the time, love has nothing to do with these unfortunate experiences.

It really can not be, about you.

The thing is,

It is not usually the love that betrays you-it is the person or belief in a guarantee made by them, or one you made up in your mind.

The only thing that love guarantees is…an experience.

With that said my point is, love. Always love. Live love, be love, and be brave in love. Because those times you feel like love let you down are the very times I write of. Remember, it is not usually the love that lets you down, and you miss out on so much when you hold on to things that have nothing to do with the purest form of the way you love others.

So what’s love got to do with it?

Sometimes everything, and other times…nothing at all.

Maggie xo

Gratitude Something

(My apologies for the 2am publish-still getting the hang of scheduling!)

My life sucks-a red light. Really? This red light is the last straw to my bad mood and all the other crappy things going on my life. Burnt out from my job, heart is broken, I live with my parents, and have gained about ten lovely stress pounds.

This red light just validates that my whole life is in shambles, and I have nothing good going on-even in the streets.

A little dramatic, don’t you think?

Ever notice how much negative crap comes your way when all your focus is on the extra little crappy things…and that’s on top of  the crap that already exists? It’s like we manifest it, almost wish it, magnifying every little hiccup on the road just to make things worse. Well I gotta tell ya, that kind of mindset landed me in the ER thinking I was having heart attack at a perfectly healthy age of 33.

Stop trying to pinpoint and wallow in the extra bumps along the way when there is already enough crap going on your life.

This is my gratitude, or happy journal.20140920_185006 I got it at Target for $2.75. I started it on 7/30 thinking I would *try* to write down at least five things on most days. Fast forward to now and I have written in it every single day since then. I am fortunate to have plenty of time to do this, but what I also observed was that after a week or so it became something I could document a lot more quickly than when I first started it.

This tells me that the more you look for things to be grateful for the easier it will be to spot them. Some days it is something so small! Like oh yea I had jalapenos with dinner tonight, they were awesome, and I like my new nail polish. Other days it is deeper like the friendship of an awesome gal in my life, or recognizing how healthy I am both internally and externally.

It doesn’t have to look like a Pinterest project, a clothed mason jar with pretty ribbon tied around it, be a bullet point list of ten things written in a journal, or a tagged post on Facebook for everyone to see. (But if any of that works for you then you should definitely do it). It does not even have to be documented! Just take note every day, and pay attention to the not so negative, non-crap going on in your life. Imagine what that might do to your mindset.

Have a gratitude something, designed by you, for you, and open yourself up to the possibilities of noticing more POSITIVE into your life!

Maggie xo

P.s. It just came to my attention that it is World Gratitude Day-how fitting; I will be writing the word synchronicity in my journal today  🙂

Enjoy the Silence

images

<— Can you relate to this? Can I even venture a guess that after a few seconds you might have a person (or people!) in mind? It’s okay-I won’t tell.

They’re the people that really drain you after a conversation. You might leave feeling like you’ve developed a slight headache, or need to lie face down on your bed and purge the multitude of thoughts now planted in your mind.

In the HSP community we call these people “vampires” because they literally suck the energy and brain power out of us. Unfortunately when you are a highly sensitive person you also attract these type of people. They’re the type of people that interrupt when you are *clearly* not done sharing, the ones who visually become uncomfortable when there is a lull in conversation, and who have to be right because being wrong means pausing from that constant internal dialogue supporting this belief.

They are also the people who never stop talking.

Unfortunately you might not always be able to shake these vampires every time you encounter one. Sometimes they are stuck in your life one way or another. It’s important to get rid of the ones you can, and to set boundaries with the ones you can’t. Fill your immediate circle with people who can enjoy the quiet with you sometimes, who listen to you, and gracefully cheer you on.

You need people like this in your life. One of my best friends has four kids, 0r 101 as she likes to put it. You should see her when there is some calm in the house, and she has just a few moments to play on her iPad or read a magazine in the sun. It is times like this it does not matter if have something to share because I see the silence is appreciated in a way I can’t relate to, and these cliffhanger minutes before someone needs something should be respected. Plus our mutual appreciation for quiet moments makes for a pleasurable non-speaking hangout. We don’t have to fill the space with constant conversation in order to feel connected to our friendship.

With that said are you comfortable sitting in silence with others, or furthermore, with yourself?

Can you sit on the couch with the TV off and read a magazine, or work on your computer? Can you turn off the music in the car for one ride and just be with your thoughts? Pause on the phone with someone without feeling weird, or sit with a friend and not say a word? It’s a great place to get to, and although you might not always arrive there on every occasion the more you practice being comfortable in silence the easier it becomes to be comfortable with silence.

Practice sitting with the quiet, and I bet you’ll hear more than you ever thought you would. Who knows, you might even end up enjoying it.

wiseman

Maggie xo

Maggie: Pity Party of One

“Maggie: Pity Party of One” was an emotional event I was trying get out of!

The party theme? “When is it MY turn?” Comparing myself to other people who lead lives where everything is happening in a seemingly “perfect” order. The big job, that trip to another country when you find yourself, the spouse, and the babies.  The invite kept popping up these past few weeks even though I had taken action with my RSVP of “HELL NO.” I was too busy doing positive things to make this event. Trying to connect with more like-minded people, making forward strides with the new coaching business, and even doing a 21-day meditation series with Oprah and Deepak Chopra.

Oprah AND Deepak? Shoulda been some kind of magic happening over here.

meditation

But even Oprah couldn’t save me from this feeling, and Deepak is always talking about growth. Even with my life at a current standstill, overall when I didn’t have a bug up to block my forward thinking it was and still is changing me everyday in really small but profound ways. I had to face it. So I changed my RSVP to “YES.”

When I showed up I allowed myself to become immersed in the party theme. I accepted the thoughts that were there, and in doing so left with a few valuable party favors:

1. Hey…hey there Mag. *You* make your goals and  dreams come true. You.

2. There is no perfect order, just the general expectations of society, and as a woman in my 30s those expectations are starting to trickle into my personal life. That is normal and only means something if I make it mean something.

3. It is essential to have like-minded people in my life. Yes, challenging and unlike minds teach us, but if you find yourself surrounded by mostly these types you run the risk of fizzling out your own positive life force. That’s a self-care job.

and lastly,

4. Choices. Because if I were to have the opportunity to get married right now I would not. I created a goal to become a life coach and less than a year later did.  My imperfect order is leading to some of the best choices I have made to date.

So what am I whining for?

I like my perfect, perfectly imperfect. Uncertain, a little daring, and full of possibilities. I know I’ll still get those feelings sometimes but don’t we all. It’s okay, just keep moving.

Magdelena xo